Ah, where do I begin? I discovered my elbows. I was just diagnosed and began treatment for a chronic illness. I’m navigating a minefield of nosy neighbors and other well meaning people who have something to say about my health. Making the time for mental health. Aging gracefully.
A conversation about a healthy outlook? Should be a good week.
“Talent is universal, but opportunity is not.” – Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl Wudunn
How would you explain electricity to someone who had never had an experience with it? How would you define your life? How would you explain your productivity and comfort due to this power. On the flip side, if you had never experienced electricity, but met someone who had unlimited access to it, how would you relate to them when every aspect of their lives is influenced by this unknown? You are two people of equal intelligence. Of equal value. But one has a clear advantage, and one is left in the dark.
This image I found on Dave Ramsey’s Facebook page pretty much sums it up. This week of reflection about money and finances has been illuminating. I have acknowledged where I came from and now I must make a decision on how to move forward. What actions do I take to seize opportunity and kick fear in the teeth? Well, I can start with gratitude:
I can do this. And if you have been tracking with me this week, so can you.
Death by suffocation. Sound appealing? When I think about things objectively, the obvious answer is no, but for years, this was my practice. When I came to things financial, my first response to the overwhelm I felt was to put my head in the sand. If I didn’t open the bills when the arrived in the mail, they didn’t exist. Right?
My decision to to ignore my financial obligations, as you can imagine, ended up costing me quite a lot. I was suffocating. I was dying. The shame I felt about being poor that I was carrying around from childhood had affected how I lived as an adult. I relegated myself to living small. To under earning. To failure. In addition to increased poor self esteem, it caused rifts in two of my dearest friendships. I don’t know if I will ever be able to repair the damage to one of them.
The shame I felt from being poor as a child did affect me, but I know I can’t stay there in that mindset. I want to be free. Freedom requires something of me. I recognize that breaking out of these patterns will take time. I know that making better choices from now on is in my control. Facing the shame is terrifying. It feels as though I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death. But I can praise the Lord that He is with me, because as I name my shame and identify what my feelings are, I have the power to make a healthier choice. I have the power to raise my head from the sand, take a deep breath and realize that the world has not come crashing down. Yes I have a situation to face. Yes it is scary to me. But I am more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ. His promises are yes and amen, and he promises that I do not need to fear or be dismayed because He is with me.
This phrase “financial fitness” conjures up anxious feelings for me. Actually any phrase involving the word fitness puts me on the defensive. I Googled the word fitness and this definition sums up my understanding of the word : the quality of being suitable to fulfill a particular role or task. When I read this, the words washed over me in judgement. The quality of being suitable to fulfill a particular role or task. When I pair this definition of fitness with the word financial, I get a sinking feeling. My first thought is that I am not suitable, and never have been.
In yesterday’s post I shared that I equated wealth with worthiness. Somewhere in my mind I created the belief that if I were good enough, I’d have enough money. But since I didn’t, that must mean that I wasn’t good enough. Since I was about 9 or 10 years old I have been a student of self help. My thought was, if I could make myself better, good things would come to me. It is a trap that many people fall into. Yes, to a certain extent, being the best version of yourself through self help can benefit a person. But there are skills involved in wealth generation and maintenance that have nothing to do with how good a person you are.
I have lived my life like the servant with 1 talent in Matthew 25:14-30. He said he was afraid. Afraid to try the business practices of the master, so he did nothing. Did he even understand the concepts of wealth creation? It is clear that he observed what the master did. He said, “Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed.” It is clear to me that this servant did not understand how to conduct business, so he did nothing. Not even the easiest thing to do, like putting the money in the bank to earn interest. I really resonate with this servant. It is fear of the unknown that has held me back in this area of life. The Message Bible’s translation helps explain my feelings a little more: “Master, I know you have high standards and hate careless ways, that you demand the best and make no allowances for error. I was afraid I might disappoint you, so I found a good hiding place and secured your money.” I was afraid I might disappoint you….ah, there it is.
Being afraid and not knowing how to do things is not an excuse. the world has rules and they apply whether you understand them or not. In this parable, the master gave each servant a responsibility according to his ability. So the servant with one talent had the ability to manage it, but he let fear bind him. We all have the responsibility to do something. Doing nothing will only bring pain and more problems. So how do I get over the fear? The bible encourages us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. No amount of reading I have done regarding finances has helped me get of over my issues. It has always felt like some kind of punishment or drudgery to get my financial house in order and become financially fit. I heard something recently that is helping me turn the corner on this idea. I saw a Marie Forleo interview with Kate Northrup on YouTube. She said something that completely blew my mind. She said, “Financial fitness is not about deprivation and punishment. Financial fitness is self care.”
Self care. Now that is a concept I understand.
What happens when your real and present financial need blinds you? What happens when the singular pursuit of goals you set for yourself in order to meet those needs damage your relationships. Laser focus. Is it worth it?
Like I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I was poor growing up. Not third world poor, not homeless poor, but low income American poor (which I fully understand is rich comparatively). I recognized differences between how my family lived and the people’s live I saw in movies, on TV, in the books I read, and even at school. This developed in me a constant striving. I always felt I had to make up for being poor. To find innovative ways to get access to what was mainstream. Fortunately for me I could find it through books. I was a voracious reader, going through 2 or 3 books a day, especially in the summer when I had more time. I read everything from dime store romance novels to self help books. I learned what vocabulary to use, what mannerisms to take on, and how to interact with people who have more opportunity and privilege. That was my ticket out, knowing how to interact with the well to do. However, I never felt acceptable. I always felt lacking because I knew who I really was – a poor girl wearing a mask. An impostor.
At some point, good speech and the ability to appear as if you are a certain socioeconomic class is not enough. Yes it opened doors, but I didn’t have the know how of what to do to actually become one of the folks I looked up to. I had no concept of how to be financially fit. I was frustrated by knowing what I wanted , but not knowing how to get there. Actually, I never recognized the fact that there were tools to get there. What was financial literacy? I just assumed that wealthier people were just inherently worthy of wealth and that I just didn’t measure up, so I was poor. Despite my striving and trying to become a better person so I would be worthy of wealth, it always came back to not ever having enough money to cover my basic needs as well as being able to live the lifestyle I aspired to. I stumbled along this way for years making terrible financial decisions and being chronically underemployed.
Enter home based direct sales businesses. The idea of a business such as this could solve my income problems. The business models promised large profits, and I met real live people who had made it happen. So I reorganized my whole life to focus my business of the moment, hoping that it would meet my immediate financial needs. I figured I would have time for relationships later. However, one of the tenants of this type of business is to create relationships. I tried my hand a several different companies. I was an Amway Independent Business Owner and a Pampered Chef Independent Consultant. Both of those tries at business were miserable failures. In the beginning I rarely saw my customers as anything but dollar signs or gateways to dollars. I felt it, they felt it, and it didn’t feel good. It made things uncomfortable. I felt even more tense and desperate about money because I put my financial well being in the hands of someone who just wanted to buy a lipstick from me in my current role as a Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant. When I recognized what I was doing, I didn’t like who I had become. Transactional friendship is no friendship at all. I saw a Dave Ramsey YouTube clip that described what I was doing as relationship rape. When I heard him describe it that way, I felt like someone punched me in the chest. The entire reason I was involved in these business was to make money as quickly as possible. What I didn’t realize is that like any other business it would take time to grow a customer base, and build a network that would generate the kind of income I wanted.
So, this brings me back to my initial question. How do I handle the reality of immediate and urgent financial needs? Medical bills and student loans don’t care about my journey to become self aware through business. They don’t care that I have a mortgage, and have to pay for the “financial sins” of my youth (not saving, credit card debt, etc). They demand payment by the 15th. Period.
Christ said that he came so that we might have life, and that more abundantly. What does this mean for us in a financial sense? Can I claim financial abundance in this way? Is that even biblical?? I wish I knew.
There is no way I was born to just pay bills and die. Anybody else feel the grind of life trying to tell you that this is all there is? Money can bring up many emotions, both positive and negative. Unfortunately for me, the feelings money brings up are more negative than positive. If I think about money for long enough, my heart quickens and I get this desperate feeling. Thoughts like “there is never enough”, “I’m not able to earn more”, and “it will always be like this” well up to the surface. I feel boxed in, pinned down, and bound with the feeling that I can’t do anything about it. It is a scary thing for me to face, and even scarier to share. This week’s theme for my 31 days of authenticity writing challenge will focus on financial fitness. Don’t expect me to turn in to Suzie Orman or Dave Ramsey. What you will find here is not sage financial advice, but what it looks like to be in the middle of overcoming a generational curse. The war is on. I claim victory in Jesus’ name.