3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. – 2 Cor 10:3-5
One morning as I was getting ready for work, I got a text message notification from my husband. ba-ding! I looked down fully expecting it to be a note telling me to make sure the coffee maker is unplugged. He sends the same text every day.
But that morning, his message made my stomach do flips – “The gift looks good on you.”
I was confused at first. Gift? He didn’t give me any gift. What was he talking about??? Then I stopped and stared at my horrified reflection in the mirror.
In my family multiple divorces and extended singlehood among the women were common. I myself struggled with unwanted singlehood until my late 30’s. I thought a generational curse of marital dysfunction and infidelity had followed me into my marriage. I wondered if I had heard God wrong about marrying this man (we were only two years into our marriage at that point). I wondered if my lack of experience and family history had caused me to fail as a wife. Mocking voices began telling me that there are no good men out there, and that my marriage was at risk. So in the stillness of the morning as I stared horrified in the mirror, anger, hurt rage, and betrayal began to bubble up into a hot knot in my throat.
But praise God for the gift of the Holy Spirit who reminds us of scripture. “Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end” – Proverbs 29:11
God reminded me of that 2nd Corinthians passage above to take every thought captive. Every thought. Thoughts of inadequacy. Thoughts of hurt. Thoughts of anger. Everything. Then, we are to demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God. Knowledge that He is good, and that He has a hope and a future for us.
In the passage, Paul was talking about people that were stirring up dissension in the church. In my bathroom that morning, the enemy was trying to stir up dissension in my mind, making me want to doubt God’s blessing on my marriage and in my life. I had to remind myself that I have chosen to break generational curses, and any power they might have over me. I have chosen to join myself to this man. And, most importantly, I have chosen to trust God with my marriage.
So, trusting the Holy Spirit to soothe my soul and keep me sane no matter the outcome. I picked up my phone and texted him back – “Huh?” It was all I could muster.
The minute and a half I waited for his response seemed like an eternity.
His response: “It’s a song, never mind.”
I nearly shouted LIAR!!!!!!!! There is no song like that. I immediately Googled “the gift looks good on you song lyrics.”
You know what I found? A YouTube clip of a cute, upbeat song…
Hallelujah!!!!!!!! My husband wasn’t a philandering, no good piece of dirt. He was a wonderful godly man choosing to edify his wife! Relief poured out of my eyes in big fat tears and I praised God. I praised Him for the Holy Spirit that reminded me to put a check on my feelings and on my tongue.
What if I had flown into a rage and said all kinds of accusatory and hurtful things to him. What if by doing that I actually planted seeds of infidelity in his mind? By taking my thoughts captive, it didn’t mean I ignored my hurt and confusion. I submitted those thoughts to Christ so I could function. Letting Him bear that burden so I could hear Him in the midst of my emotions.
The totally vegan, gluten free, low sodium, fat free meal. What? Exactly. This is terribly frustrating, especially when food has the capacity to taste so good. Have you ever felt like you are under attack in this area? Ready for some encouragement? You are. Awesome!
This is no wacky conspiracy theory. Just look at the science in the links above. When I think about this from a spiritual perspective, it makes me angry. The enemy is using everything at his disposal, even our biological need to eat, to trip us up and put us in bondage. In this case it is bondage to poor health. He is using corporate motivation for profit to fuel his attack. Food companies pour millions of dollars into research and development to produce the most delectable, tasty, yummy deliciousness possible. I won’t go as far to say that they hijack our brain chemistry for their own profits on purpose, but… who knows?
So what can we do now that we know this information? We can get an understanding out our biology. We can make practical food choices that engage our senses. We can honor our bodies and care for the environment by eating local. We can do this in ways that make sense for our families and our pocketbooks, but we do have to be an active participant in the process.
I want to hear from you. How have you taken charge of your health with better eating habits? What pocket friendly ways of healthier eating work for you and your family? Meet me on my Facebook page to join the conversation. See you there!
Sometimes prayer can be overwhelming. We don’t know where to begin, or what words to say. We have groanings in our spirit too deep for words that only the Spirit can understand. Have you ever just not prayed when you felt this way? I have. Feeling like I must have words to attach to my feelings in order to make God understand makes God small. He is the Lord of all. He knows our hearts.
When we can’t find the words, sometimes an activity can help us focus and express our thoughts. This iscalled active meditation. Now don’t freak out at the word meditation, I’m not going woo-woo on you. Ever heard of a prayer walk? Same concept. For me, coloring allows me to wordlessly express my yearning for peace and beauty – what I look for when I connect with God. By coloring I put myself in a meditative or prayerful state, God does the rest. He calms me and restores my soul, just as described by David who wrote Psalm 23 (who incidentally prayed through music and singing of songs).
Coloring for adults has been rapidly gaining in popularity. As of this morning, four books on Amazon’s top 20 best seller list are coloring books. I got mine from a local bookstore as I was preparing myself for my first infusion treatment for Crohn’s disease. I was terrified. I didn’t know what to expect. I knew I needed something that would take my mind off of the nurses, needles, and the drug being pumped into me over a 3 hour period. When I sat in the chair, I took out my coloring book and pencils and began to focus on beauty and serenity. God met me there, and I am grateful.
Have you tried coloring as a meditation or prayer? Pop over to my facebook page and post your pictures, I’d love to see some of your work.
Sigh… I thought I’d be able to duck into my house before she saw me. No chance. The lady across the street flagged me down and started marching across the street with a sense of urgency. I plastered a smile on my face and welcomed her to my front porch. I was tired and had not been feeling well. In fact, I had felt progressively worse over the entire summer. But, as worn out as I was, I welcomed this neighbor. I wondered what was so important that she had to share.
“I see that you have just gotten home, so I won’t keep you.” she said. “Can I come by on Saturday to talk for a bit?” “Sure.” I said. “I will be at home.” She thanked me and hurried back across the street. I wondered what it could possibly be that she wanted to tell me? Was it some neighborhood gossip? Was she going to run for a seat on the HOA committee? Did she want me to join a network marketing business? I had no idea.
Saturday rolled around and my neighbor came over. After a little small talk, she dropped her bomb. “I have noticed that you have not been walking like you used to. I am concerned because you need to lose more weight.” Wait…what? Did this woman actually come into my house, sit on my couch, and tell me that I am still too fat and need to lose more weight? “Well,” I said with all the graciousness I could muster, “I have not been feeling well this summer.” Apparently my neighbor was monitoring my activity and felt the need to investigate.
“You haven’t been feeling well? All summer? What is going on with you? What is your diet like? You should at least walk. I’m only here because I care.” Again, I deflected her inquiries, but began to feel worn down by her rapid fire questions assaulting me in my living room. I don’t know how I managed to keep my composure, but somehow I got her to leave without any bloodshed. How dare she take it upon herself to ask these pointed, personal health questions. How dare she assume I was lying about not feeling well and that I was just being lazy and not working out. It infuriated me. At this point I could totally relate to pregnant women that describe bellygrabbers who feel it is perfectly OK to molest their bellies and give unsolicited advice about what they should be doing during their pregnancy.
After a summer of doctor appointments and uncertainty, I finally have a diagnosis. I have Crohn‘s disease. The diagnosis rocked my world. They don’t talk about being healed of this disease. The language they use is remission – like cancer. The threat of the illness plaguing me for the rest of my life has been a mental, emotional, and spiritual burden. Well meaning people who tell me about someone else they know who has the disease and how awful it is for them, or tell me what I need to be eating, or share some home remedy that helped their friend’s cousin’s co worker’s wife can all take a hike. I feel like they are trying to take the reins of my life. Not being in control of what is going on in my body is quite enough without allowing other people to direct where I go and what I do to preserve my health.
So much has flooded my mind. Will the prescribed treatment work? Will I achieve remission soon? Will I be able to continue working? Will be unafraid to have intimacy with my husband? Will I be able to leave my house for more than 2 hours at a time? I don’t know. What I do know is that God is a healer. What I am choosing to believe is that this sickness is not unto death. Not an emotional death. Not a spiritual death. Not the death of my career. Not even the death of my sex life.
I never wanted to be skinny. The idea never turned me on. In fact, growing up, I associated skinny people with people who were unkind. I never wanted to be unkind. I never wanted to be that. I don’t really remember my peers ever being unkind. It was adults. Skinny women to be exact. I remember hearing comments about the volume I ate. I remember disapproving looks. I remember feeling discomfort radiate off of them when I got too close. I never really understood what that was about. I never felt any of those negative unkind vibes from larger people. I always felt acceptance from larger people, and eventually I became one of them.
In 2011 I was the largest I had ever been. My size had never really kept me from doing the things I wanted to do, but tipping the scales at 425lbs made life harder. My body gave me plenty of signals that it was time to address my weight. I never had any “fat people diseases” like diabetes, high blood pressure, or things of that nature. I was just fat. Just fat. My knees and feet were aching way too much, and I began to find it difficult to engage life the way I wanted to. A perfect example was in July of 2011. I went to a Joel Osteeen event in my area with my mom. We had our tickets, got there early, and found our seats. Uh, oh. I didn’t fit. The tight arena stadium seating just did not accommodate a 425 pound Hope. I refused to let this setback keep me from enjoying the event. I looked around and saw a nearby was a section that had roomier seating. So, my mom and I went to the ticket counter, explained that I could not fit in the regular seats, and asked if we could swap our tickets to the seating area where there was more room. Imagine my dismay when I found out it was the handicapped seating area!!!! I swallowed hard, fought back tears, and formed the words that identified myself as handicapped.
Yes, I was physically more comfortable in the handicapped section, but my spirit was troubled. I could no longer deny that my size had become an issue. It was taking away my freedom. It was confining me to limited life experiences. It was relegating me to the fringes where people are pitied. I could not ignore or rationalize it away anymore. My tears had caught up with me by now, but before I could descend into depression, I felt the Lord speaking to me. I felt the distinct impression of a particular number. It was as if the Lord was telling me the exact amount that he wanted me to lose. When I heard the number, I said to myself, “how on earth am I supposed to do that?” I had tried all different ways to lose weight in the past. I had tried diets, exercise programs, personal trainers, and even pills. I never experienced lasting success. But the Lord was telling me that He wanted me to shed 250lbs and to get out of the handicapped section. Where He gives the vision, he makes provision.
As of the writing of this post, I have lost 110lbs. To God be the glory.
I was relaxing at home with my husband a few weeks ago and I noticed my elbow. I could feel the bones. I told him to feel it. He felt my arm and said, “you are getting bony!” This is not a compliment for me. As I mentioned above, being skinny is not one of my life goals. As I continue to lose weight I am having to battle old beliefs about smaller people as I become smaller myself. I still have a ways to go, but the smaller woman is coming out and I’m not sure I like her. I am seeing angles in my face where there was once roundness. I feel my hip bones, knees and elbows for the first time. It is disturbing to feel their sharpness. Will this new woman I am becoming be kind, or will she be sharp and unforgiving like a bony elbow?
Ah, where do I begin? I discovered my elbows. I was just diagnosed and began treatment for a chronic illness. I’m navigating a minefield of nosy neighbors and other well meaning people who have something to say about my health. Making the time for mental health. Aging gracefully.
A conversation about a healthy outlook? Should be a good week.
