As we navigate through life, we encounter moments that stretch us—moments that challenge the very core of who we are and what we believe about ourselves and the world around us. It’s in these moments that the tension between radical acceptance and toxic positivity becomes evident. And as a Black woman, a therapist, and a sister who’s walked through her own valleys, I want to share the real difference between these two approaches to coping with life’s hardships.
What is Radical Acceptance?
Radical acceptance is not about giving up or giving in; it’s about fully acknowledging reality as it is, even when it hurts. It means facing the truth of a situation, no matter how difficult, and allowing yourself to sit with the emotions that come with it. It’s not about “fixing” your feelings or pretending everything’s okay when it isn’t. It’s about holding space for yourself, for your pain, for your disappointment, and for your hopes—all at the same time.
When we practice radical acceptance, we give ourselves permission to grieve, to feel anger, or to be frustrated. We allow ourselves to recognize the weight of what we carry. And for many of us, especially as Black women who have historically had to hold so much for ourselves and our communities, this kind of honesty is revolutionary. Radical acceptance means saying, “This is hard. This hurts. But I will move through it.” It’s about honoring the struggle without getting lost in it.
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity, on the other hand, is that pressure to “stay positive” no matter what. It’s the voice that tells you to look on the bright side when you’ve just experienced a loss or to be grateful for what you have when you’re sitting in the middle of heartbreak. While it may seem like a way to protect ourselves or others from pain, it often shuts down the very real emotions that need to be processed.
We’ve all heard it before: “Just be positive!” or “At least it’s not worse!” But these responses, while well-meaning, can feel dismissive. Toxic positivity minimizes the complexity of our emotions and paints over the depth of our experience. It says, “Don’t feel that,” when what we really need is space to feel exactly that.
In our communities, we’ve sometimes learned to push past our pain in order to survive. But toxic positivity takes it a step further by insisting we smile through it all. And sis, that’s not healthy. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes. It’s okay to sit in the reality that life can be both beautiful and brutal. Toxic positivity denies us the fullness of that experience.
Why Radical Acceptance is Empowering
Radical acceptance empowers us because it is rooted in truth. It acknowledges that life is complex and that healing isn’t always a straight path. When we accept what is, we are no longer fighting against our reality. Instead, we’re finding ways to cope with it, to grow from it, and to continue living fully, even in the face of pain.
As a therapist, I’ve seen how powerful it can be when someone begins to practice radical acceptance. It’s like a weight is lifted, not because the problem is solved, but because they’re no longer resisting their own experience. They give themselves the grace to be human. And that’s something we all need—a little grace to just be, without the pressure to always be “positive.”
The Harm of Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity can leave us feeling isolated. When we’re told to stay positive, we may begin to believe that our real emotions are somehow “wrong” or that we’re failing if we can’t keep up the façade. But life isn’t about performing happiness. It’s about experiencing the full range of emotions—joy, sorrow, frustration, peace, and everything in between.
If we don’t allow ourselves to feel the harder emotions, they don’t just disappear. They sit with us, sometimes manifesting in our bodies as stress, anxiety, or even illness. Toxic positivity denies the very real process of healing and can even make it harder to find peace in the long run.
Choosing Radical Acceptance
So, what does it look like to choose radical acceptance? It looks like acknowledging when life is heavy and giving yourself permission to say, “I’m struggling right now, and that’s okay.” It’s reaching out for support when you need it and not feeling like you have to put on a brave face. It’s accepting that sometimes, life is painful, but that you have the strength and the resources to move through it in your own time.
Radical acceptance isn’t a passive resignation. It’s an active acknowledgment of what is, coupled with the belief that you are still worthy of joy, peace, and love, even in your hardest moments. It’s about being real with yourself and allowing others to be real with you.