Death by suffocation. Sound appealing? When I think about things objectively, the obvious answer is no, but for years, this was my practice. When I came to things financial, my first response to the overwhelm I felt was to put my head in the sand. If I didn’t open the bills when the arrived in the mail, they didn’t exist. Right?
My decision to to ignore my financial obligations, as you can imagine, ended up costing me quite a lot. I was suffocating. I was dying. The shame I felt about being poor that I was carrying around from childhood had affected how I lived as an adult. I relegated myself to living small. To under earning. To failure. In addition to increased poor self esteem, it caused rifts in two of my dearest friendships. I don’t know if I will ever be able to repair the damage to one of them.
The shame I felt from being poor as a child did affect me, but I know I can’t stay there in that mindset. I want to be free. Freedom requires something of me. I recognize that breaking out of these patterns will take time. I know that making better choices from now on is in my control. Facing the shame is terrifying. It feels as though I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death. But I can praise the Lord that He is with me, because as I name my shame and identify what my feelings are, I have the power to make a healthier choice. I have the power to raise my head from the sand, take a deep breath and realize that the world has not come crashing down. Yes I have a situation to face. Yes it is scary to me. But I am more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ. His promises are yes and amen, and he promises that I do not need to fear or be dismayed because He is with me.